“I stopped and got lost in my mind
I’ve never been so unraveled in my whole life…”
I never knew why I felt like this. When all the stars had gone to the air and to my nostrils as sources of all strength to do what I had to do, I was surprised. They were very effective. It really felt as though it was the most casual and natural thing to say. I was stuck there sitting, moving with utmost limitation, and not wanting my nervousness to show. I was closed. I even wanted him to stay inches away, not beside me but in front of me, like an opponent in my most favorite game—talk. I have never been that honest. Despite the uneasiness I felt, it was successful. I didn’t freak out that much. I didn’t cry. I didn’t hurt my little sister (like how I used to when I’m so love struck). I just breathed, smiled, and laughed as usual.
“I said I love you, I love you, I love you,
But now I regret it,
Said I love you, I love you, I love you,
I’m so sorry I said it…”
I saw stupidity in what I did. Some said it was even inappropriate. Of course, here comes again the female stereotype which I always hate. But then the stupidity that I saw is far less than the gravity of the accomplishment that I have established. It is I who won over the monsters of my past. It was like I’ve made up for all the regrets I had for the past 11 years.
“I know I’ve said it
But can we forget this?”
And he said nothing will change. Thank you. But then, I think it’s normal for me to feel the awkwardness afterwards. How will I act if I see him again? Will I be the usual jolly girl who can smile right at the iris of his eyes? I can’t even look at him straight when I was blurting everything out. Hohoho! Hello, shy girl! Don’t be shy! Hahaha!
“Shy girl, it’s written on your face…
Don’t run away, don’t be afraid,
Don’t be shy, girl…”
OK. I know I’ve said it so can we just forget it like I didn’t say anything? OK. Let’s see. Haha!
“I’m like a statue, stuck staring right at you…”
But still, I got frozen in my tracks. I always stop thinking about everything from the start of it all until the end of whatever, if this is really ending like this. This unexplainable feeling covers all my experiences with the rest of the people whom I’m with. That one moment of bravery opened the doors to reminiscing what has been. It’s just overwhelming, no words can ever describe. Only sets of songs from previous and present LSS’s rush through me as if I really have a good voice that I just belt each song out. I’m just stuck, like a statue, staring at everything from them, from them, then from you up to me. I want to cry to release some of this unexplainables. But then I can’t. No tear drop won’t come out of these tear glands that I’ve been knocking on. Hello, tears? All dried up? Am I numb? What is happening?
“Every single day of my life, I thank my luck stars
God really had to spend extra time when he sculptured your heart.
Cause there’s no explanation, can’t solve the equation
It’s like you love me more than I love myself….”
Yeah. Why should I answer the unanswerable? When it is a mystery, why should I force an explanation? If there’s none and it’s just there, just let it be. The purpose will surely reveal itself ASAP. Yeah? All right!
“When the day is said and done
In the middle of the night
When you’re fast asleep, my love…
I’m the luckiest man alive.”
I just stare at all these realities. Then I say to myself: “I’m the luckiest person alive.” There. That’s it. I am greatly blessed. Thank you to all of you! You are God’s blessings to me. #
Krizelle R. Talladen
March 18, 2011
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